Narcissistic husbands can be easy to love early in the relationships, being — extroverted, externally self-confident, and socially adept. The challenge is to love them through all of their faults. Here is how you maintain a relationship with a christian narcissistic husband —
To deal with a christian narcissist husband, learn what is and isn’t negotiable in the relationship. Set healthy boundaries and learn to navigate narcissistic manipulation. And, always surround yourself with a strong support network.
Narcissism can be a difficult condition to overcome. Here are seven tips to help you deal with a christian narcissist husband.
Learn Where to Set The Boundaries
As the spouse of a narcissistic christian husband, the first thing you need to do is to learn where it is effective and appropriate to set boundaries in your relationship.
One key fact about narcissism that you will need to understand is that narcissists are psychologically incapable of managing their own self esteem. Narcissists are incredibly sensitive to criticism, and will not respond positively to direct confrontation.
This psychological deficiency is the root cause of narcissistic behavior and narcissistic abuse.
To learn more about how narcissism works, check out these in depth articles —
- What It Really Means to Be a Narcissist | A Bystander’s Perspective
- Narcissism in Relationships | What it Means to Love a Narcissist
Ultimately, as the spouse of a narcissist, we have to come to grips with that fact that our personal boundaries must never demand that our christian narcissist must accept direct criticism in any form.
See the heading “Learn to Negotiate” for my take on how to approach improving a narcissist without direct criticism.
Identify Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissist will exhibit these types of behaviors in relationships —
- Hot and cold behavior
- Putting you up on a pedestal
- Lies and false backstories
- Spreading rumors about you to other people
- “Gaslighting” or convincing you that you are crazy
- Shunning you altogether
- Bringing in third parties to back up their made up stories
- Selectively forgetting what you asked them to do
- Selectively forgetting their past transgressions and abuses
- Cutting you down in front of other people
- Accuse you of being an abuser
Another interesting read is this list of common fake apologies —
Allowing this type of manipulation in the relationship is never beneficial. As a spouse of a narcissistic christian, it is our duty to put a stop to such behavior as quickly as we can.
What the Bible says about narcissism in 2 Timothy 3:1–7 might come in handy —
But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.
They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth.
Narcissism is a vice which is not tolerated in christian teachings.
Learn to Negotiate
The key still to learn as a spouse of a narcissistic husband is how to communicate without criticism.
Expecting a narcissist to take criticism constructively is like expecting a cat not to stalk a mouse because you asked them to. With narcissistic loved ones, we have to love them where they are. Narcissistic christian husbands in particular tend to expect to be the master of the household, and tend no to take kindly to criticism from their close family members.
Instead of telling them how they can improved, and what they did wrong, instead take the tact of praising them for what they could be —
Rather than “I wish you would …” instead say “When you … I love you so much”
Rather than “Won’t you stop …” instead say “Would you please help me … (preferable alternative activity)”
When your narcissistic spouse is exhibiting bad behavior, do everything you can not to get mad. Instead, withdraw your interest and lower the energy level. Go cold until they get back on track, then shower them with love and support.
Take Responsibility for Your Own Self Esteem
Narcissists generally attempt to take control of their surroundings by making people dependent on them for criticism. Because narcissists are addicted to external validation, manipulating other people is their only means of managing their own self esteem.
As the wife of a christian narcissist, you must make an effort to have your own self worth, friends, close family ties, and religious foundation.
In doing so, you make exceed the role of what a traditional christian might think is proper. After all, the husband is the religious center of the family in the Bible. And, strong families ties are central to the practice of Christianity.
However, if your husband in a narcissist, they have a sickness which means as their spouse it is your right and responsibility to take over where they are unable to.
The best thing you can do for your narcissistic husband and your family is ensure that your own self esteem cannot be leveraged as a point of narcissistic manipulation.
Delve in to What It Means to be a Narcissist
Learn everything that you can about narcissism and the behaviors of a narcissist.
Here are some additional resources to help you learn about narcissism —
- Signs of a Narcissist | 21 Behaviors of the Classical Narcissist
- Uncovering Abusive Narcissists | Signs & Symptoms of Toxic Love
- Recognizing Narcissistic Behavior | Unexpected Signs of a Narcissist
Start Encouraging Supportive Solutions
Ultimately, we cannot expect to change a narcissist. But, we should do everything we can to encourage a narcissist to take control of their own condition.
The best thing a narcissist can do is to seek assistance from an experienced religious leader, councilor, or coach who they trust.
The difficulty of being a narcissist is that they spend so much time generating false stories and a fabricated life narrative in order to protect their emotional weak spots that they have immense difficulty accepting that they might be at fault problems in the relationship. Direct confrontation almost never works, and almost always makes their condition worse.
Some thing you can with them to help see their problem include —
- Couples christian or relationship counseling
- Read about narcissism and emotional problems together
- Join a book club (see recommended books)
- Give them a copy of How to Be An Adult In Relationships
With all of these methods, the goals is to put the narcissist in a place where they are learning about the symptoms of narcissism and problems of childhood abuse. Many narcissists had insufficient development as a child due to mild to severe abuse. But, there should be no insinuation that this activity is to change or inform the narcissist about their own problems specifically.
If you are going to see a councilor or coach, spend some time with them alone first to express your concerns about your narcissist christian husband, and recruit them to help you support your husband through their difficulty.
Know When Enough Is Enough
Eventually, it may come to the point that you need to take steps to separate from your husband.
If the narcissistic abuse proceeds to the point where it is causing long term damage to you or your children, you must separate.
Some warning signs the red line has been crossed in terms of narcissistic abuse include —
- Physical abuse
- The narcissist prevents you from contacting friend or family
- Spreading lies about you to friends or family
- Hiding money
- An extramarital affair
- Serious lies or lies of omission
Everyone’s situation is different. But, it is imperative that you define for yourself exactly where enough is enough before hand.
Proverbs 8:13 says —
To fear the Lord is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech.
Have a backup plan in case you need to separate. Where would you go? What money would you have? How could you live?
While no one wants to plan of separating from their husband, knowing that you have an out gives you the power to act rightly during difficult situations.
What does the Bible say about narcissistic husband’s?
The bible speaks about narcissism in 2 Timothy 1–7: “There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves … They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women …”
What is a narcissistic husband?
A narcissistic husband is one who: exhibits hot and cold behavior, creates lies and false backstories, spreading rumors about you to other people, “gaslighting”, brings in third parties to back up their made up stories, and cuts you down in front of other people